Now that I have crossed you off of my bucket list, it is time for us to part ways. My relationship with you was more of a “hit it and quit it” than a recurring series. It was a summer fling, and I’m not sorry to end it. When I saw your lineup, I ALMOST regretted not keeping my fling with you, but then I remembered all that you have put me through. Coachella, here are the 5 things that I hate about you.
- You’re way too expensive. I’m not really into high maintenance relationships. To spend over $1000 for a weekend with you is ridiculous. Payment plan you say? I felt as if I made a deal with the devil. The ticket price wasn’t even the worst part. Dealing with you was a logistical nightmare. I guess I’m not into long distance relationships either. I flew to LAX, then drove 2+ hours to Indio just to see you. Although I saved money by car camping, as I thought this was an integral part of the “Coachella Experience,” I can only imagine how much a hotel would have cost me. A hotel would have added comfort to my trip, but also a few hundred dollars plus transportation costs to/from the festival each day. You dug way too deep in my pockets, sis.
- You have too many fans. Maybe I’m just insecure, or maybe your fans made my time with you less enjoyable. It’s hard to vibe when you can’t breathe or move. It’s nearly impossible to get close to you and it’s quite literally IMPOSSIBLE to get to the front of the stage at a popular act unless you show up hours early. Good luck seeing Beyonce, guys.
- You’re too hot, and I don’t mean attractive. 100+ degree (Fahrenheit) dry heat. Need I say more?
- You aren’t a good cook. Listen, I love to eat, and I simply didn’t enjoy your food. I expected more from one of the biggest festivals in the world. I’m glad I brought snacks with me.
- You’re inconsiderate. Did you ever think about your versatile attendees? I like EDM and Hip-Hop. Why would Kendrick Lamar and Marshmello perform at the same exact time? Your timing is all bad. How can I get a decent view of Kehlani if she performs 20 minutes into Tory Lanez’s set? Your line-up may be alluring, but there’s no way possible to see all of your favorite artists because they’re poorly timed. Fewer acts that were better timed would have been better in my opinion. Quality over Quantity.
Okay, so clearly Coachella wasn’t my cup of tea, but hey, to each his own. If you are a Coachella first-timer, I have compiled a list of survival tips. I hope that they will enhance your experience.
- Bring a Personal Fan. Since Indio is in Southern California’s Colorado Desert Region, you will need a handheld, battery-operated fan to survive. In April, it will be 90+ degrees, so be prepared. Check out the links.
- Bring something warm. The desert has a polar climate. Scorching in the day but cold at night, so plan accordingly.
- Bring snacks and water. PLEASE stay hydrated! Water is essential to survival. Bring a refillable water bottle. If you are a water snob like myself, try a filtered water bottle because water fountain water is … eh. Snacks are also important. I promise that you won’t want to spend tons of money on mediocre food for 3 days straight.
- Have a plan. Make an itinerary of the artists you want to see beforehand. Coachella’s mobile app includes a schedule feature, and you can add artists to your schedule, which makes life easy. Screenshot it, though because you are likely to not have reception.
- Be prepared to not have reception. The last point brings me to this one. With 100,000 attendees, the bandwidth will not support everyone. Save your snapchats to post later. 🙂
- Go with a group. Groups make festivals more fun in my opinion. Everyone probably won’t enjoy ALL of the same artists, so you can split up and enjoy.
- Wear comfortable shoes. You are going to be on your feet for HOURS. Be cute, but be comfortable.
- Bring a Portable Charger.Yes, Coachella has charging stations, but they are snail speed and likely unavailable. Remember, there are 100,000 attendees. I suggest investing in a good one that gives you several charges.
- Put your wristband on before you go. A day or two before departure, put your wristband on to ensure that it doesn’t get lost in transit. A replacement costs approximately $60. Also, be very careful of tightening it too much. I thought I was going to need mine surgically removed after the festival.
- Have fun! This may be self-explanatory but read it anyway. Coachella has more to offer than music artists, there are art expos, board game lounges, silent disco parties, etc. Take advantage of every opportunity to live your best life.